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© Leah, True2Torah, 2002-2008, All Rights Reserved.
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A Purim Spiel
Warning:
This Purim Spiel is quite satirical and not a very exact account of what really happened.
Also, two of the men, and one of the women are rather scarcely clad.
Please don't read, if this offends you.
Leah stood in front of the audience, looking everything but confident.
“King Achashverosh sat on his throne,” she began, “drinking his
twentieth beer. He was bored.”
“Why the heck did I send my gorgeous wife away?” the king
complained in a loud voice, “She was so soft and sweet and good
in… erm… at cooking!”
Our King got up from his chair and glared at Leah.
“Oh, come on, why do I have to play this kind of bull? You know full
well that I don’t have a wife and I don’t want a wife. And your beer
tastes like horse-pee! For goodness sake, give me some wine,
woman!”
Leah glared back at him.
“We’ve gone through this before, Hanassan. You’re playing
Achashverosh, and you’re doing it my way, is that understood?”
“Alright, alright. You stupid bi… erm… I mean, yes ma'am!
“Your kind gets on my nerves. Good for one thing only, and you
know what I’m talking about.”
“Hanassan, that’s quite enough. Stop it right now, or I’ll write
you out of all of my projects. Sit. On. Your. Throne.”
Hanassan muttered something under his breath, but stomped off to
his throne nevertheless and sat down. He scowled at Leah, but
seemed to have decided that he’d better not challenge her anymore
now. She could be quite scary when she was angry, and she was his
boss after all.
“OK, people, since Hanassan has just been wasting about ten
minutes of our precious time, we’d better speed things up a bit.
Forget about the search for Esther and let’s just proceed with the
marriage.”
Leah walked off stage and called for her daughter.
“Lizzy! Where is Ashanti? Are you still not done with her dress and
make-up yet?”
Lizzy appeared from behind a curtain backstage, stood in front of
Leah and pulled a face at her mother.
“Like hell I am. She went to the toilet, Mum. Fifteen minutes ago!”
“I’m not impressed, Lizzy,” Leah said calmy, “go drag her off the
loo if you have to, but get her here within the minute. She should
get a grip on herself; I’m not paying her to puke her guts out every
time she has to say a few lines.”
She threw her hands up in the air and rolled her eyes.
“What’s wrong with those actors these days, anyway?”
A girl barely older than Lizzy came running down the aisle, stormed
the four steps leading to the stage and wiped her mouth. Her make-up
was completely ruined and her dress wasn’t exactly spotless
anymore.
“Achasverosh walked over to Esther, took her in his arms and kissed
her tenderly.”
Leah grinned at Hanassan who got up from his chair and looked at
the dishevelled girl disgustedly.
“Come on, Achasverosh, you’re supposed to love her very much.
Kiss her. Now.”
Hanassan did as Leah told. Then, he too wiped his mouth and
muttered, “Gross! She could at least have brushed her teeth…”
“Too bad, Hanassan. I never thought something as minor as that
would bother you. Anyway, you two’d better get under the chuppah
and get married.”
Hanassan folded his arms. His eyes darkened.
“I told you before, and I’m telling you now… I’m not getting married,
Leah. You know how I feel about marriage.”
“I feel so sorry for you now, Nasi dear. You want your next pay
check?”
Leah’s green eyes glowed dangerously as she took a step forward.
She planted her arms firmly at her sides.
“Anything else, or can we finally get on with the play?”
“Dear mishpoche, we’ll watch a nice little Purim movie while our
lucky King Achashverosh is getting changed for his wedding
ceremony. Isn’t he a lucky guy, getting married to such a gorgeous
young lady? And that at his ripe age...”
Leah chuckled.
The Making of A Purim Spiel"
Before long, Hanassan and Ashanti stood under the chuppah; Ashanti
happy and radiant, but Hannassan visibly nervous.
“Esther, my darling,” Hanassan crooned, “I’m overjoyed… ewww! I
hate this part… erm, I said… overjoyed that we’re finally standing
under the chuppah.”
He wiped the sweat from his brow.
“My sweet tsatskeh, let’s get ma… Oy, gevalt! Let’s get this over
with.”
“Achashverosh and Esther exchanged their vows and as soon as the
King had recovered from his nervous breakdown, the happy couple
retreated to Hana… I mean, Achashverosh’s private quarters, where
we’ll give the newlyweds some time alone.”
Leah sat on the king’s throne, smiling innocently. Liquor bottles
stood on the floor and on the table – most of them empty. Her speech
slurred slightly as she resumed her narration.
“Zeveral monthz later Esther’z uncle Mordechai came to vizit his
niece at the Royal Palace, but the King’z Zenior Advizor Haman
refused to let him enter. And only becauze Mordi wouldn’t bow down
for Haman.
“Mordechai was incenzed and gave Haman a piece of hiz mind.”
“You alter kicker! May onions grow from your navel. The bloody
chutzpah!”
He spat on the pavement in front of Haman.
“Just so you know, you’re worth bubkes. Meshuggener.”
He spat once more.
“Says, who, nebbish?” Haman jeered at Mordechai, shoving him
aside, “bow down before me, you filthy dog!”
“ Never. Farkakter Schmuck!”
“For that, you will die! You and your people. All you ipisher ganivs . I
am the King’s Right Hand, and he’ll grant all my wishes. You and
your people will be annihilated. Mark my words.”
Haman shoved Mordechai once more, and Mordechai fell to his knees
as he cried in a mocking voice, “Oy vey iz mir! I’m so scared now.
And who do you think you’re gonna bring to annihilate us, huh?
Little Pisher.”
“Kiss mir en toches, Atef!”
The next moment Atef and Arkesh stood holding onto each other,
laughing their heads off.
“My apologies, mishpoche,” Leah looked surprisingly awake all of a
sudden and didn’t slur a bit anymore, “I think we might need a little
break. We’ll have a drink, eat some hamantashen, use the bathroom
and I’ll expect you all back in... let’s say fifteen minutes.”
She walked up to the actors on stage, who were still howling with
laughter.
“Come on guys, this isn’t going to work. You’re supposed to hate
each other. Why do you keep messing up like this, all of you? It’s not
funny, you know? Keep this up and the audience will start
complaining. They’ll all want their money back – and guess whose
pay checks I will deduct that from?”
“Well, we all know what happened, don’t we?
Leah smiled at the audience.
“On the day our people were supposed to be annihilated, they were
allowed to defend themselves – all thanks to the charms of our
gorgeous queen Esther who knew how to play her weak husband
and…”
“Weak husband,” Hanassan bellowed as he looked up from his…
erm… conversation with Zediva, his favourite harem-lady of the
moment, “weak husband?”
He got up from the couch and strode up to Leah, a cannibalistic look
in his gorgeous caramel coloured eyes, “Let me show you weak,
woman.”
“Ah-ah!” Leah wagged her finger at Hanassan, “I didn’t think so,
blufferkeh. You touch me with one finger and you’re out of a job.”
She brought her face up close to Hanassan’s, who decided not to
push his luck with her. Sulking, he retreated and went back to his
tête-à-tête with Zediva.
“Anyway, mishpoche,” Leah continued her story, “Haman’s evil
plans were effectively thwarted, and our people survived.
“Haman was sentenced to death by impalement. His execution, I’m
sorry to say, we’re unable to carry out in this Spiel. However, I can
show any adults who think they can stomach it, some pictures of this
torturous punishment later tonight, when they’re drunk enough.”
“And for the Jews there was light, and gladness, and joy and honour.
“Let’s celebrate. Chag Purim Sameach!”
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